I've been taught to keep things as simple as possible, as deep as possible and as true as could be.

 

Living by the rules, counting every step, listening to advice...all those reasonable styles of handling matters were never my game. Never intended to ignore them though...it is just the way i am...and i regret...and i hate regret...I try to mend, fix and mold things ...sometimes it works and some times i get hit in the face with real shit...smelly crappy pits of life's, people's or my won creation.

 

There is no real purpose for this post nor that i have anything to add..it's just mere loneliness...nothing more!

 

Here and now, mmm. let's see...

Here and now have: insecurities. aims. love. needs. some more insecurities and lots of wondering.

 

I believe I'm becoming more and more consumed within myself that i no longer think of anyone but me...how I see things, do things, want things, reason insanities...I ta3abetny and

I am doing I no good.

 

Bored and boring i am.

 

A transient thought, why do most people have the courage of a walnut?!

Why don't I declare and demand? yes from people who may most likely reject me...

 

Words like strength and ability...words I've been using a lot lately to acknowledge that I've gone a long way since daddy's death and divorce and heartbreak...are they words of deceit? have i really progressed and copped with life? have i really appreciate the goodness in me and decided to share the world what it's got?

I doubt, Maybe I'm camouflaging the insecurities, the weakness and fragility...

Work doesn't count as a scale...it's an artificial world anyway ruled by artificial manuals and steel people programmed by calculator and have printers tied to their asses.

yes, and i imitate those to succeed...yes, i outsmart asses dragging printers...way to go ma'am!

 

what about the contradictions? is declaring i have quite a lot of those hides the fact that it is very weired to be:

veiled yet not veiled

calm yet loud

tender yet wild

love myself and not very much so...

think zero about materialistic junk yet make sure i have MONEY

a grownup woman yet feel like a teen! freakin' silly! and stupid!

Need a companion yet refuse every attempt and suddenly want what I"M POSITIVE i can't freakin have

arrogant gedan yet blush and tremble from the simplest act of kindness

sooooo polite yet at times i curse like ay sawa2 microbus gheir mo7taram ( akeed fee swa2een mo7tarameen )

If i know i say things that sounds zeft and imply what i never mean to say...why don't i think before i talk my heart out and make a fool out of myself

mashya b dmaghy yet worry too much about people's recognition.

 

Endless...

 

and why do i try too much to improve my career, knowledge, art, looks.

 

why diet and wake up at six everyday to exercise before work for the last f***** two weeks if i already know that what i have inside has nothing to do with my big butt

 

Why would i aslan waste such a day with minimum work ever to rant about my mind jam.

 

I didn't even add question marks!!!

 

 

 

The procedure itself isn't painful at all...not even one sting...the pain started an hour after the operation...my lids were swollen and i felt enormous pressure, stings and burn in them...i couldn't open my eyes and tears were rolling like waterfalls...I took about 4 panadol extras and after exactly 5 hours i was able to open my eyes and i watched Grey's anatomy perfectly while i had a nice yummy meal.

Of course something like that couldn't possibly pass without turning on some thought lamps in my head...especially while watching the episode where Meridith starts to finally like someone other than Mcdreamy.

Everything Can change...poor eye sight that annoyed me for the last 20 years....heartbreaks that seem like they'd burn forever leaving continuous longing and scars of depression...everything can change...EVERYTHING!

And I've had that feeling for the past couple of weeks...that another page will be opened for me...something new will change the way life has been...i don't know what it is and i have not the slightest clue of it's nature...I just have the feeling.

Allah yegeeb elkheir.

Have a good day everyone :)